Do NOT Eat Your Vegetables!
by Michael Ian Black
When mealtime comes, as it does thrice a day
Some well-meaning grown-up will undoubtedly say,
“Now Timothy, Margaret, Trudy, or Bert
If you don’t eat your veggies you can’t have dessert.”
Well…If there’s a brain in your head you’ll instantly see
How unfair and uncalled for such statements can be.
Can’t have dessert? The injustice! The gall!
Dessert’s the only reason for eating at all!
Without dessert we’re no better than beasts
Who forage the ground in search of their feasts.
I’m not a rabbit, scrounging for cabbages.
Vegetables, I say, are fit only for savages!
When popsicles begin growing on trees
Perhaps then I will consider eating their leaves.
But until that day comes, I implore you:
Eat cupcakes and cookies! Eat ice cream and candies!
Scrumptious brownies! Warm pecan sandies!
Eat chocolate ice cream in a butterscotch shell.
That’s what you eat when you want to eat well!
Do NOT eat your vegetables - no if, and, or but.
When they offer them to you, clamp your mouth shut.
No broccoli, madam. No asparagus, sir.
Neither zucchini nor turnip should you have to endure.
My friends…I ate a vegetable once. ‘Twas a pea.
And that pea made me as peevish as peevish can be.
That round little lump of mushy green squish
Somehow found its way onto my dish.
(Where it came from, I have no idea.
Perhaps it arrived all the way from Korea.)
We stared at each other, that pea and I
Until, bravely, I decided to give it a try.
With a tentative pinch, I plucked up the orb
Which I touched to my tongue so I could absorb
Whatever hideous flavor that little pea had.
I tasted the thing, then started to gag.
The sensation was akin to eating the dirt!
It tasted so bad it practically hurt!
“Ptooie!” said I, as I spat it away,
Then collapsed in a bath that I filled with sorbet.
From that day forward, I swore North and South
To let no vegetable again touch my mouth!
IT WAS THE WORST DAY OF MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Do NOT eat your vegetables, young masters and misses
If your parents insist, then refuse them their kisses.
“No goodnight kisses for you!” you must say.
If they want to play tough, then tough you will play!
Now…Perhaps you are under the mistaken impression
That vegetables aid in proper digestion.
Or they magically somehow help bones to lengthen,
Hair to grow, and bodies to strengthen.
Well that is a lie that I would like ended.
I don’t eat veggies and I turned out splendid!
I’m fit as a fiddle and strong as an ox.
Need proof? I can lift up this empty shoe box.
Here’s more evidence if you still doubt the truth:
I’ll open my mouth and show you my tooth.
See that? A perfectly formed little chopper
A little brown, yes, but still quite a whopper.
And here – look at this. One half of a muscle.
You wouldn’t want to face THAT in a tussle!
So…Do NOT eat your vegetables, I beg you once more
No rutabaga, peppers, spinach, or gourds.
Abstain from those foods which are fibrous or bitter.
Cream pies and custard will keep you much fitter.
All leafy things must be met firmly with scorn.
But if you MUST eat a veggie, I suggest candy corn.
Now that I’m done I must go eat some frosting.
Now that I’m done I must go eat some frosting.
All this activity has been quite exhausting.
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